No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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