Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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