Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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