Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize