Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
