I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
