dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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