never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
