i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
