the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
