Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
4 words: hood of his car
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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