i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
