That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Pants are for mortals
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
