I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
