i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
