listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
