take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
