She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
