I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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