Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
