well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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