I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
