It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
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You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
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Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.