So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The adults are the big ones right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
