I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
