Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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