i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
