Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
