I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
