How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
