tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
