Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
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when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
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"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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