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At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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