Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
