A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Congratulations! We have a period
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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