I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
