im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
