I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
