I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
