He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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