as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Let's paint friendship bongs
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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