Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
