My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He? As in you personified your dick?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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