I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
