I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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