My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
