I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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