remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
