i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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