My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My ATM looks so different sober.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
