i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
