I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
