I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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