she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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