I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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