how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
