she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
