If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
