Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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